Trying to Understand Toddler Behavior
I've been doing a lot of posts about working with my son, so I thought I'd sneak one in about toddlers. My daughter is 2 1/2, so she's nearing the end of the 0-3 cycle. Still, much of the work we do could be considered 0-3, and definitely many of the behaviors she exhibits are 0-3!
Now that I've had two kids of my own, I do have to look back and laugh about some of my misconceptions about toddler behavior when I was first starting out as a teacher. I remember one little boy, in particular, who had just turned 3. One situation that stands out in my mind was when he did the handwashing work. He got everything out with no problem, poured the water in the basin, washed his hands with the soap, and then just as he was ready to clean up, he completely lost it and threw the basin of water to the ground.
I remember being baffled - I asked the directress if there was something wrong with this little boy. Now I chuckle when I see my daughter do a work perfectly on her rug, and then rather than cleaning it up and putting it away in the same manner, she throws the cards/basket/beads/puzzle off of the rug. Why does this happen?
There can be several reasons. One is that the child faces inconsistency in different environments. Perhaps at home (or grandma's), they don't have to clean up their own work. So when they are expected to do it during school time, they have a meltdown. Also, at this age children are very easily frustrated. They may be relieved to be done with the work, and unable to summon up the emotional and physical energy needed to put it away.
The important thing is to be consistent in your expectations and clear in your directions. When my daughter is frustrated, I give her two options: putting the work away herself, or letting me help her. But not putting it away at all is not an option.
When she is especially fussy, I try to remember what a friend of mine - a wonderful 0-3 directress - told me once. She runs a beautiful toddler class at a school where I once taught. But at the beginning of the year, especially, there would be a lot of fussing and crying coming from her classroom (it was an all-day program and the children took awhile to get adjusted to it). I asked her once how she could put up with it. She replied that rather than focus on stopping the crying, she focused on trying to figure out why they were crying - and solve the underlying problem.
I think of this often when my daughter is frustrated or fussy. It's not random - there's something going on that she's trying to express through her tears. I've found that a gentle "Can you tell me what's wrong?" works much better to stop the tears than "Please stop crying". The first question makes us partners in solving the underlying cause of her frustration.
I had intended to share some sources of toddler manuals and materials, but that will have to wait for next time!
Now that I've had two kids of my own, I do have to look back and laugh about some of my misconceptions about toddler behavior when I was first starting out as a teacher. I remember one little boy, in particular, who had just turned 3. One situation that stands out in my mind was when he did the handwashing work. He got everything out with no problem, poured the water in the basin, washed his hands with the soap, and then just as he was ready to clean up, he completely lost it and threw the basin of water to the ground.
I remember being baffled - I asked the directress if there was something wrong with this little boy. Now I chuckle when I see my daughter do a work perfectly on her rug, and then rather than cleaning it up and putting it away in the same manner, she throws the cards/basket/beads/puzzle off of the rug. Why does this happen?
There can be several reasons. One is that the child faces inconsistency in different environments. Perhaps at home (or grandma's), they don't have to clean up their own work. So when they are expected to do it during school time, they have a meltdown. Also, at this age children are very easily frustrated. They may be relieved to be done with the work, and unable to summon up the emotional and physical energy needed to put it away.
The important thing is to be consistent in your expectations and clear in your directions. When my daughter is frustrated, I give her two options: putting the work away herself, or letting me help her. But not putting it away at all is not an option.
When she is especially fussy, I try to remember what a friend of mine - a wonderful 0-3 directress - told me once. She runs a beautiful toddler class at a school where I once taught. But at the beginning of the year, especially, there would be a lot of fussing and crying coming from her classroom (it was an all-day program and the children took awhile to get adjusted to it). I asked her once how she could put up with it. She replied that rather than focus on stopping the crying, she focused on trying to figure out why they were crying - and solve the underlying problem.
I think of this often when my daughter is frustrated or fussy. It's not random - there's something going on that she's trying to express through her tears. I've found that a gentle "Can you tell me what's wrong?" works much better to stop the tears than "Please stop crying". The first question makes us partners in solving the underlying cause of her frustration.
I had intended to share some sources of toddler manuals and materials, but that will have to wait for next time!
Comments:
Thanks for this post - and your blog (I shall probably be spending much time lurking here for years to come). My son is 15 months and he is starting to change from a cheerful happy lad to one who throws tantrums (and toys) at the drop of a hat. I'm sure it is frustration - his mind races far beyond his physical capabilities, and he certainly wanted to run before he could crawl. At the moment it seems to be communication problems that are getting him down. One moment he will be fine, and the next crying inconsolably. He shuts up into himself when this happens and I can't work out what's gone wrong. I often forget how much he understands, so gently asking him "Can you tell me what's wrong?" is a good approach, even though he can't talk yet (he can usually make himself understood with his "bahs" and "mm-bahs"). I will eagerly read your other posts on Montessori for toddlers, and look forward to more!
Ah, toddlerhood! It's so fun, but it can be frustrating. I'm so glad you found these posts helpful. Thanks for stopping by!
I was really interested in what you wrote. Nothing i have read yet about toddler behaviour mentions children being happy and the next second something getting thrown and the whole play being ruined. This is constantly happening with my son.i find it extramrly frustrating as i can't usually find what has triggered his anger. 8sometimes i can but not very often)
If i ask him to tell me what the matter is he usually hits me and then goes to time out.
Some days i am at the end of my wits with him, if this has happened all day long.
Have you found any other ways of working out what is actually going on? I'm completely baffeled.
As far as I know, what you describe is completely normal toddler behavior. They have short attention spans and short fuses. The only solution is time (as they mature) and continuing to be patient and set gentle but firm limits.
My daughter has improved greatly in this area since I wrote this post. There is hope!
Another quick thought - when my friend said that she really tries to find out what the problem is when a child is crying, I don't think it's necessarily by asking. Toddlers don't have the language skills necessary to express that.
I think she means by looking at cues - the environment, what the child was doing when they got frustrated, what another child might have done, etc. That's how you solve the "mystery" of the tantrum. Observation, observation, observation!
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